reginafalangi on Revelife

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Thursday, 26 June 2008

cuz facebook doesn't always cut it

Revelife

an online community about God, Love, and the Christian Lifestyle

It's too bad this wasn't around during my high school days, as I attended a Christian school and the original Xanga was the big thing back then (it also got a lot of us in trouble, but that's another story...)

I wish people I know were still into blogging. Social networking's fun, but even stalking people's Facebook walls and photo albums gets really monotonous. I'd rather read their thoughts, or even better, witness the Xanga comment wars once again.

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

The Hot Girl's Token Funny Friend

One of my most frustrating vices is my sidekick complex. I'm not sure how I developed it, but since my teenage years, I've occasionally dipped into the self-deprecating conviction that I am nothing more than, "[insert name here]'s nerdy/awkward/less pretty/designated driver friend." In the Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson scope of things, I am Watson. I'm always a Pussycat, and never Josie, always the Patrick to the SpongeBobs of the world. It's kind of pathetic, I know, but during those really low self-esteem times I wonder if I'm one of those people who's attracted to Queen Bees/Alpha Females. Since their self-esteem isn't high enough for them to strike out independently, they automatically content themselves with befriending a person they're secretly envious of. Is that me? GAHH!!!

I feel insecure when I'm around friends who are naturally good at things I try hard at, or who have experienced more success than me. Back in high school, I had a friend who was considered one of the prettiest girls in school. While I had puffy hair, crooked glasses, and upper lip fuzz at the time, I didn't care that much about appearances so I didn't feel like the nerdy friend just because she looks better than me. The sidekick complex really kicked in when guys started chasing her though - it wasn't so much that I wanted guys to like me too, but that I became the friend they would obligingly acknowledge to impress her. Whenever the guys ran into the two of us, they'd flirt shamelessly with her and give me a polite "hi," but whenever I crossed their paths without her, they'd totally ignore me. Before long, I *did* become insecure about my appearance, personality, and appeal factor. I determined that I simply wasn't cute or bubbly enough for high school guys to notice me on their own (oh, the tragedy!) My teenage self thought: Great, confirmation that the only reason people talk to me is that they want to win over my hot friend! In retrospect: LAME.

Now that I'm five years older and (hopefully) wiser, I'm more aware of the number of times I still compare myself to other people. When it comes to my social life, I often feel like the token wallflower. When I first entered college, I was very lonely and had a really hard time making friends, whereas my old high school buddies made tons of friends during their first week and were very happy. I thought that I MUST be socially crippled - and when I'm at my apartment checking Facebook on a Friday night and I see that my acquaintances are all out partying or having fun, I think to myself - man, I'm a total no-lifer! I eventually made a friend in college who started out a little shy, just like me, but now she LOVES meeting new people, whereas I still want to run away screaming when forced to make new friends or acquaintances. Why has she gotten over her shyness? Why am I still socially awkward? WHY, GOD, WHY???, I asked myself. My friend and I joined a club together, and soon people were calling her up and talking to her, whereas I remained in the background. Of course, she attracted many guys, and all of them added me on AIM and would try coercing me into talking about her. I started getting flashbacks of my high school days of being the geeky friend of the "It" girl and fell into a pretty sad cycle of self-pity.

The more I considered myself a sidekick, the more subpar my experiences became. My friends found jobs and internships that they were happy with, which made me feel mediocre as I did not enjoy mine. My friends got boyfriends, and I remained single. When I did start seeing someone, he broke my heart whereas my friends' guys treated them like angels. When I went out dancing with my friends, guys would ask for their name and their number, whereas my guys would just ask for my body (which always earns them an emphatic NO!!!!)

Then, one night, not long after I'd reunited (again) with God, He granted me an epiphany: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. He has made everything beautiful in its time. - Ecclesiastes 3:1,11a

It turns out that Miss Marigold isn't a weed, she's a late bloomer.

I can't stress how important time was to this realization. I got over the guy and by the time I'd fully embraced the single life the friends I'd been envious of were experiencing their own relationship drama. In time, I made new friends on my own terms. In time, I found a fellowship I was happy with. In time, I found better job fits and became much more useful. In time, I realized that I'm really not a party animal, so staying home with my DVDs over the weekend suits me just fine!

For as long as I live, I will always encounter someone who's prettier, smarter, or richer than me. The bottom line is, what does their life really say about mine? Pretty much nothing, unless I want it to. I have faith in God's plan for me; He knows what I need, and He'll give it to me during the right time.

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live." We're all destined for the ground, anyway, so I might as well enjoy myself while living above it instead of resenting those who have it "better" than me.

That being said, I should probably pull up this post come Valentine's Day, if by then I'm still celebrating it with I Love the 80s marathons and cold ramen for one.

How often (or extensively) do you compare yourself to your friends? How do you deal with the envy when your life doesn't seem so great?

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Currently Listening
Earth Wind & Fire: Greatest Hits
By Wind & Fire Earth
see related
God: Missing in Action

On two separate occasions, I've talked to a couple of old friends who've put their relationship with God on hiatus. When I asked them why they stopped having faith in God, they gave me the same answer: "When I needed Him the most, He wasn't there." It wasn't as if they were expecting God to solve their problems, either - all they wanted was some kind of reassurance that things would be okay or that they needed to be more patient. If anything, they wanted to know that God was in the background while they suffered. Still, God remained silent and elusive, and so they fought their battles alone.

At the time, I gave the pat "just because you couldn't feel God doesn't mean He wasn't there" answer, but during my own low period, I found myself thinking the same thing. Not too long ago, a couple of people that meant a lot to me ended up hurting me really badly. Unable to deal with the anger, I surrendered my emotions to God and He answered by instructing me to release them from their debt - to forgive them, which I did, or at least tried to do. While the first person and I had cut our relationship cold turkey, I'd at least try and refrain from spreading dirt (and boy, did I have a LOT of it) about that person - and for awhile, I would smile back at the person (who had the guts to smile at me first!!!) when we would awkwardly run into each other in the cafeteria. Did I feel better? No! I talked to a priest, prayed for hours at church, resisted telling my friends this person's darkest secrets - still nothing! When the second person hurt me, I forgave her and took her back as a friend - which she told me she was surprised that I did - but as time went on, things became so conflictual that I feel as if only the grace of God can restore that friendship, or perhaps help it grow from what it is now.

For awhile, I felt really bothered that God didn't hold up His end of the deal. I read I Peter, which says that it's normal to suffer for doing the right thing/God's will, but that was like hearing "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" on a really bad day. Reading a verse was not enough. I wanted results!

I'll acknowledge that God poured out His blessings - He gave me jobs, grades, more friends, activities, great professors, things like that - but it just felt like He wasn't actually there during days I felt really down. It was kind of like having an absent parent - it's one thing to receive gifts, cards, and money in the mail, but what kids really want is just for the parent to spend time with them.

When I'd all but given up hope for my relationship with God, I started feeling His presence again. It wasn't as if I'd done anything to lure Him back (as if that's even possible) - one night, almost out the blue, I just felt that "burst" - after a long time of not praying, I prayed those same things and forgave those people all over again, and now...it's actually working.

Then, last night, I came across the story of Lazarus' resurrection. Honestly, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that Jesus waited until Lazarus was dead to pay him a visit. I can almost hear Martha's words echoing in my own: Lord, if you had just BEEN there....if you had just arrived sooner....I wouldn't be so bitter/angry/disappointed/dead inside! (or in Lazarus' case, actually dead.)

Of course, Jesus was sad too and He raised Lazarus from the dead. Ta-da! By letting Lazarus die, Jesus was able to resurrect him and therefore demonstrate the full scope of His power and glory. On a logical level, it makes sense and I'm actually honored that God would choose certain human beings to reveal Himself to others. Not only did Lazarus come back to life, but he came back fully healed. I see God working the same way in me. Not only did God restore a lot of the things I lost in the past, but He's given me so much MORE than I had before!

On the other hand....a part of me couldn't help but feel like God's a big megalomaniac. Did God let Lazarus die just so He could have more glory in the end? Does God like to see me suffer and feel lonely - does He push me to my limits - just so He can sweep in and save me? It didn't sound OR feel right at all.

I don't question the necessity of suffering - death, sickness, depression, and betrayal are all a part of living in a fallen world, and God uses our experiences with those things to show that there is something better out there - something that can conquer them - but my question is, why does God let us feel like we're experiencing those things alone?

Do you ever feel like God's not there?

Friday, 20 June 2008

Who Is God?

While discussing spirituality with me, an agnostic friend expressed surprise when I compared prayer time to conversations. "Let me get this straight," he said. "So when you talk to God, he actually answers back? Like a person?" His tone resembled that of a horror movie parent listening to her child describe the little ghost girl living upstairs.

"So what's God like?" my friend asked me, leaving me stammering, as it felt kind of awkward to describe God's characteristics to someone who saw God as a soulless, yet all-powerful element, perhaps The Force personified. It wasn't as if my friend were mocking me, either. He genuinely wanted to know. Is God emotional? Does He give prompt replies? What does He tell you? I don't remember exactly how I answered, but it was something along the lines of "it takes a spiritual mindset to experience God's active presence," something equally vague and generic.

It's been about a year since that conversation, and I'm still trying to figure out a better answer. After going on a spiritual/prayer hiatus for a few months afterward, I lost touch of who God is and started depending on my (fuzzy) memories of Him or flipping through the Bible at random times. Getting back on track - really praying - felt a little weird - kind of like reuniting with a high school friend I'd only kept up with via Facebook or birthday text message.

Since then, I've realized that the Bible really isn't enough. "God is Love because 1 John says so," is an insufficient answer for a person who wants to know God as an active member of a relationship. Basing God solely on the Word is like basing everything I know about my best friend from her Facebook profile. She watches anime, she likes basketball, she's an accounting major, and she dresses like a tomboy. Those are things you can figure out with the click of a mouse and ten minutes of your time, but it'd take you years to really understand her dreams, her insecurities, and the things that make her laugh or feel loved.

The Bible says things about God, but it doesn't give you a complete picture of who God is. Pardon the extended Facebook analogy, but like wall posts, scripture describes God through the eyes of people who've met him; figuring out that my BFF loves to eat from a wall post that says, "HAHA UR SUCH A PIG LOL" provides a clue to her personality, but it isn't the same as actually sharing a meal with her and seeing her healthy appetite for myself.

Don't get me wrong, the Bible's a great starting point to acquaint (or re-acquaint) yourself with God, but it takes serious, dedicated effort to know His character on a personal level. The Bible says that God is patient and slow to anger, but it took not only serious prayer, but involving God in my personal failings and my growth as a Christian for me to really believe that. Of course, I can't really get to know God through and through since I'm, um, mortal, but I'm getting a little closer to speaking sincerely about the God in my life, not just the God of ancient texts.

How does God reveal Himself to you? How would you describe God to someone who does not know Him?

Monday, 16 June 2008

Currently Listening
On a Clear Night
By Missy Higgins
Where I Stood
see related
How can you be a servant without feeling like a slave?

If there's one Gospel passage I have trouble with, it's Matthew 25:31-46, where Jesus explains that those who help the needy are sheep while those who shun are goats. I don't understand how to apply the practice of inviting strangers indoors to modern-day society. Nowadays, it's common sense to not house strangers, lest they be rapists, pedophiles, thieves, or psycho-killers. Fine, maybe I watch too much tabloid news or Law and Order, but I don't know how to exercise Christian hospitality in a world that interprets trust as naivete.
Lately, God's been convicting me to start by freely applying that passage to the people who aren't strangers to me. I often refrain from acting generous not because I'm afraid of physical harm, but because I worry that people will take advantage of me. I don't mind doing the occasional good deed, but it becomes a problem when people expect me to keep doing that deed over and over again.

Last semester, my friend "Katie," (who was also my roommate at the time), would ask me to eat with her in the cafeteria twice a day since she hates eating alone. I didn't mind at first, but spending a couple hours at a time in the caf became really inconvenient when schoolwork started piling up. I'd get annoyed at having to take a break in my work, but I just couldn't tell her directly that I couldn't eat with her because when I did, she'd look disappointed and just skip the meal altogether. Of course, I felt guilty, but I didn't like feeling pressured. Since I'm very non-confrontational, I turned all passive-aggressive and would hide in the library and turn off my phone. I'm pretty sure she knew I was avoiding her, but by then, I felt so spiteful of her "control" over me that I didn't even care. So you can't eat by yourself? Deal with it! I'm not gonna bow to your whims!
One night, while my roommates and I were up late studying for our finals, my laptop started making weird noises. I turned it off and unscrewed the bottom to check if it was dirty. I carefully laid the microscopic-sized screws inside a bottle cap. Of course, my elbow knocked it over, scattering the screws along my cluttered desk space.
Yelling out an expletive, I dove to the floor, which prompted my roommates to ask what was wrong. I gave them a harred explanation and added that it wasn't a big deal.

Before I could stop her, Katie was down on her hands and knees next to me. "Where'd you hear them fall?" she asked. I told her I could find them myself, but she was adamant about giving me a hand.
After an hour of crawling around and rearranging furniture, we'd recovered all but one of the screws. Katie, who's near-sighted to boot, had found 5 of them while I'd found 2. I did not even know how to thank her. She didn't owe me anything, as I'd spent the last couple of weeks hoarding my time even when I didn't need to. Truthfully, were our situations reversed, I would've said something sympathetic while leaving her to her own devices.
The following semester, I accompanied Katie to the caf - not begrudgingly or half-heartedly like before, but with a spirit of generosity that only the Holy Spirit can provide for me. At the same time, spending more time together helped her realize that I can't always afford to take long meal breaks, so she doesn't hold it against me when I can't make it (and am honest, not passive-aggressive.)
I'm not gonna pretend that one instance solved my issues with the passage and with generosity. As much as I try to adhere to Jesus' instruction that we serve others, I feel like a pushover when serving others turns me into a doormat. When resentment stops me from even offering a hand in the first place, I know I've become selfish.
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." - Matthew 25:35-36.
Do you ever struggle serving others wholeheartedly?