On two separate occasions, I've talked to a couple of old friends who've put their relationship with God on hiatus. When I asked them why they stopped having faith in God, they gave me the same answer: "When I needed Him the most, He wasn't there." It wasn't as if they were expecting God to solve their problems, either - all they wanted was some kind of reassurance that things would be okay or that they needed to be more patient. If anything, they wanted to know that God was in the background while they suffered. Still, God remained silent and elusive, and so they fought their battles alone.
At the time, I gave the pat "just because you couldn't feel God doesn't mean He wasn't there" answer, but during my own low period, I found myself thinking the same thing. Not too long ago, a couple of people that meant a lot to me ended up hurting me really badly. Unable to deal with the anger, I surrendered my emotions to God and He answered by instructing me to release them from their debt - to forgive them, which I did, or at least tried to do. While the first person and I had cut our relationship cold turkey, I'd at least try and refrain from spreading dirt (and boy, did I have a LOT of it) about that person - and for awhile, I would smile back at the person (who had the guts to smile at me first!!!) when we would awkwardly run into each other in the cafeteria. Did I feel better? No! I talked to a priest, prayed for hours at church, resisted telling my friends this person's darkest secrets - still nothing! When the second person hurt me, I forgave her and took her back as a friend - which she told me she was surprised that I did - but as time went on, things became so conflictual that I feel as if only the grace of God can restore that friendship, or perhaps help it grow from what it is now.
For awhile, I felt really bothered that God didn't hold up His end of the deal. I read I Peter, which says that it's normal to suffer for doing the right thing/God's will, but that was like hearing "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" on a really bad day. Reading a verse was not enough. I wanted results!
I'll acknowledge that God poured out His blessings - He gave me jobs, grades, more friends, activities, great professors, things like that - but it just felt like He wasn't actually
there during days I felt really down. It was kind of like having an absent parent - it's one thing to receive gifts, cards, and money in the mail, but what kids really want is just for the parent to spend time with them.
When I'd all but given up hope for my relationship with God, I started feeling His presence again. It wasn't as if I'd done anything to lure Him back (as if that's even possible) - one night, almost out the blue, I just felt that "burst" - after a long time of not praying, I prayed those same things and forgave those people all over again, and now...it's actually working.
Then, last night, I came across the story of Lazarus' resurrection. Honestly, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that Jesus waited until Lazarus was dead to pay him a visit. I can almost hear Martha's words echoing in my own: Lord, if you had just BEEN there....if you had just arrived sooner....I wouldn't be so bitter/angry/disappointed/dead inside! (or in Lazarus' case, actually dead.)
Of course, Jesus was sad too and He raised Lazarus from the dead. Ta-da! By letting Lazarus die, Jesus was able to resurrect him and therefore demonstrate the full scope of His power and glory. On a logical level, it makes sense and I'm actually honored that God would choose certain human beings to reveal Himself to others. Not only did Lazarus come back to life, but he came back fully healed. I see God working the same way in me. Not only did God restore a lot of the things I lost in the past, but He's given me so much MORE than I had before!
On the other hand....a part of me couldn't help but feel like God's a big megalomaniac.
Did God let Lazarus die just so He could have more glory in the end? Does God like to see me suffer and feel lonely - does He push me to my limits - just so He can sweep in and save me? It didn't sound OR feel right at all.
I don't question the necessity of suffering - death, sickness, depression, and betrayal are all a part of living in a fallen world, and God uses our experiences with those things to show that there is something better out there - something that can conquer them - but my question is, why does God let us feel like we're experiencing those things alone?
Do you ever feel like God's not there?
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